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Day 81

Things are... normal. My daughter is the biggest pain in the butt in the world... I suppose this is my punishment for having been a girl-child myself at one point. And I miss Batman... I haven't seen him for what feels like forever... because I was sick the last time he could have come by and that was a couple weeks ago. I don't think he realizes the incredible amount of time I spend wishing things were different.... woud he think me pathetic? This can't be healthy... all of this fantasizing I do...

Meanwhile, what's been on my mind most lately is the fact that I'm not getting any younger... I'm not getting any prettier... I'm not getting any sweeter (the sweetness seems to disappear a little more each time my heart is broken)... I'm not getting any more able to trust... and I'm spending my time dreaming about a man who can't possibly ever give me what I ultimately desire. I have rationalized that it is him I want... more than I want to someday be someone's wife. After all, I would much rather never be married again than be married to the wrong man. Still... I wonder if this will ever go that direction. It doesn't have to be guaranteed at this point, but I can't shake the thought that he knows for sure it never will...

I can't imagine why he would keep me around if it wasn't possible... after all, I see him an average of once or twice a month... it isn't as though he's getting an incredible amount of sex out of this deal. And he's amazingly hot... he could have just about any woman at any time, I'm sure.  The thought crossed my mind that I'm filling some sort of need for him. I don't like to think such horrible things about him... I still adore him and believe that he is a genuinely good person... but I wonder sometimes if he's just using me. How ridiculous is that? The fact remains that with what little bit of time I've known him and how little time we've actually spent together, I really don't know him well enough to hang all of these hopes and dreams on him. Still... here I am... hoping that this could be my chance... because I really can't imagine someone any more perfect for me... I'm idealizing him, rationally I know that... but my heart is not rational...

My best friend told me that she was going to visit next summer, so I told her I would save my vacation so we could have some fun. Her response was, "Yeah right. You're going to be flying off to DC" (that's where my Batman is moving to... at some unknown point in the near future) and I told her truthfully that as much as I would like to think that possible, as much as I dream about my relationship with Batman continuing on, in the back of my mind I know that he's going to leave me behind. After all, he lives semi-close now and I rarely get to spend time with him... how can it work with him 1000 miles away?

I still want this. I'm still in it. I see evidence that he cares (he *called* me... he doesn't do that... and my heart raced) and that is enough for now. I guess I just need to concentrate on everything else right now... there's plenty else to concentrate on, it's just that none of it is as nice to think about.

Holidays

The holidays are coming... what a nightmare!

I despise this time of year. I have to figure out how to scrape together enough money to make it a good Christmas for the kids... and that in and of itself is a difficult task (this year has been rough... and my savings is gone) enough to dampen my spirits immensely.

And dating a married man... the holidays are super sucky. Even worse than being alone is wanting to be with someone who's loyalties lie elsewhere.

Meanwhile... my birthday is right in the mix of it all. I HATE my birthday. I'm another year older... big woop, that doesn't bother me so much anymore... what really ticks me off is that it's just another day... where I'm reminded of my aloneness in the world. Can't I just skip the next month and a half? Just fast forward a bit... that'd be nice.

Day 68

Here I am... still counting the days...

I sent my Batman a very sexy email... to which he never responded. That kind of hurt... I mean, even a one word comment would have been an acknowledgement, but I wonder if he ever even read it. Of course, there's the possibility that he hasn't even read it... but along with that is my fear that I am not important enough to rate attention when my name appears in his inbox. So... there's that.

I hadn't heard from him in over 24 hours... nothing surprising. I mean, he's been working pretty hard (he says) and he's getting ready to leave (probably already left) for an extended period of time for work (maybe code for Thanksgiving with family back home?). But I have been determined to let him contact me and to leave him alone otherwise. I know that's petty... but he had a chance to see me and elected not to because I was sick and he couldn't "risk getting sick when so much is riding on (his) health right now." He's that type of person... work is uber important and I respect the hell out of that (really... I really, really do), but at the same time, he must not have wanted to see me all that bad... and he hasn't even asked how I'm feeling... so all I can gather from that is that he doesn't care. Which I can deal with without getting ugly about it... even though it hurts... a lot.

So this morning... I wake to a text that was sent at 12:44am: "I really hate not seeing you. Are we okay?"

I said the only thing that I could with all of this business swirling around in my brain: "I hate not seeing you too. And I have been wondering that myself lately."

No response. But I'm not really surprised. If he really is working, then his brain is busy with that and I have it in me to be patient and wait until he returns to hash all of this out. I will never come first... I don't mind taking a back seat to his career... I just don't like that I can't trust that it's work I'm being patient for. I don't have the energy anymore to second guess his every move... I don't fully trust him, but I can't keep thinking about what he's really doing.

Restless

I'm getting a little restless... My imagination has way too much time to take over. I take responsibility for some of that--I do have an overactive imagination. But the truth in his actions is just too hard to ignore when there is no communication.

I love Batman. I don't think he comprehends the depth of my feeling... maybe that's because I have been very strict on myself, trying not to go overboard telling him because I do tend to put too much of myself out there and I don't want to be that person. Maybe he doesn't get it because he doesn't feel it. Maybe he gets it... but either doesn't care or doesn't want to hurt me because he doesn't feel the same. None of those sits well with me... and is too much for my mind to munch on.

He's on my mind when I wake, remains on my mind all day... my last thought before drifting off to sleep. I dream of him... I would call it obsession, but I am able to function while I'm secretly mulling over various details and I'm pretty good at leaving him alone while I sit over here on the verge of tears, making connections between things he's said and what I later found out to be the truth... as I realize that the "one lie" was really a string of lies... that I whole-heartedly bought... that I wanted so desperately to believe even when it all came crashing down around my feet.

And as much as I want to have it, I have no trust. I want to believe everything... but there has been absolutely no proof... and after the big lie, all of the plans and promises just feel like vapor...

If nothing else, I've learned some very valuable lessons here... my heart is not to be trusted. I'm still his.. I'm not making any moves whatsoever... I'm stuck in place... unable to move... but soon enough, he'll hurt me bad enough that I'll have to walk away...

A Night In

I was on fire last night... I did three consecutive readings and each one actually made perfect sense. The exact events are not really clear, but the timing is startlingly spot-on. The best part (for you tarot readers out there) was the sun opposite the tower... and the six week timeline leading up to the death card in reverse. Anyway... I know for certain now that which I had suspected is true. I'm stubborn... I'm not giving up... but the truth is going to come out soon and I'm preparing my heart for the eventuality.

Preacher boy made an appearance last night... just as I had settled into my chair on the deck, all cozy in my sweats with my tea and my nook, his car appeared in my driveway. I don't care for drop-in visitors (as a woman alone with two kids, I get a bit insecure... ) so I was a bit put off... I was preparing to send him away in a stream of curses, after all, I haven't even so much as spoken to him in weeks... but as he walked up, his hands shoved in his pockets and head hung low, I began to melt a bit. He may have pulled the *poof* but I really did care about him and that doesn't just go away. I thought of Batman... and then thought of Batman at home with Mrs. Batman... and the obvious miss-text from earlier in the day... I am so weak.

I don't know where I stand with Preacher boy... even after a couple hours sitting on my deck and talking (I refused to let him in). At least this time we didn't fight... just talked about what's been going on with each of us. He's absolutely floored that I'm involved with a married man... I never should have told him that. He makes all sorts of grand plans... wants to do all of these things with me... but for the time being, I just can't move on like that. I belong to Batman...

Even if that means spending my friday nights alone with a good book...

Back to Good

Each lie hurts a little less than the last... maybe that's the intention?

What would be nice is to not be lonely anymore. I've gotten into something I thought I wanted... but realized it will never be what I want. It's really not fair at all that I still make the odd number... and will for what seems like the forseeable future. I'm still holding on, not giving up... for the hope that some day things will change or progress to the point at which I will not be the odd man out... It's rather frustrating, but I suppose we make our own beds and therefore must lie in them. It's just starting to feel like something is wrong with me... that nobody seems to want to be seen with me. Big Sigh.

Instead of letting myself simmer in the lonliness and heartbreak that is the path I've chosen (yes... I made a conscious choice, knowing full well what the true story must be, even though it still has yet to come out into the light), I'm embracing the cynical bitterness of it all. Who cares, right? Everybody lies. I've never ever had the sort of relationship that I wish to have... and never will. So why continue wanting it? Why not focus my time and energy on something more constructive... like art... and dance... and (hello) raising my children?

That's all well and good... but after living without hope for so long, to have tasted the hope makes it that much more difficult to let it go. At this point, "too good to be true" is starting to encompass anything good at all.

Mine

I read an incredibly creepy book once, entitled "Mine." It was about this incredibly insane woman who wanted to be a mother so badly, but couldn't, so she kidnapped a baby. Somehow in the process of reading the damn thing (recommended only to those with a strong stomach... and a love of horror), I began to associate possessiveness with insanity. I suppose there is a bit of insanity in us all... and under a specific set of circumstances, any one of us could go off the deep end. Some are just closer to that point than others...

This morning, I just can't stop thinking about the last married man I dated... who lied about being married, of course... and who's wife contacted me via facebook. After establishing that she was in fact his wife and I was in fact dating him, we had a bit of a heated exchange... during which, she stated "STAY AWAY FROM HIM, HE'S MINE!"

Pause for boistrous laughter...

Well... long story short, I was more than happy to back away from the situation. That's not my drama... I have no use for that sort of thing. What really struck me about the whole thing was her statement, "He's mine."  Of course I understand her emotional state. I understand her being angry at me--I don't blame her at all. As difficult as the situation was for me, she was the injured party, the saintly cheated spouse, blah, blah, blah... And she had every right to say everything she said to me... how could she understand my situation when hers was suddenly so dire?

That one statement from her, with such conviction (all caps... oh my... and exclaimation point... we're in serious territory here ) told me so much about the situation. In the few days that elapsed between my initial contact with her and my final contact with him, he had told me that she was his ex-wife and that she was crazy and wanted him back. Obviously, he was telling her that I was some crazy stalker or something... And to be honest, the guy wasn't that great of a catch.... certainly not someone who would have a crazed stalker after him.

With time and distance from the little fiasco, those words float into my vision from time to time and I laugh. Hard.

The entire thing says something rather interesting about my existence... I'm a pretty good judge of character, but the lonliness gets to me from time to time and I put up with some pretty blatantly bad lies in order to have some sort of relationship with some sort of human being... It's fun to pretend for a while. Then I reach the point at which I can no longer even pretend that I believe the bullshit and I cry for a minute... but the humor of it all lasts for a lifetime.

Judgement

I find people's hypocritical judgemental attitudes incredibly invigorating.

I get mad... and then I feel alive.

Thank you.

Really... it's better than sex.

Which is saying something, coming from a nymphomaniac.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to ponder the hilarity of my current situation...


Lonely or just alone?

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So not feeling it today...

It's one of those "blah" days... where everything is just blah... There is nothing really to smile about and if I think too hard on anything, I feel as though I'll burst into tears. I know where I'm headed with this and I just hope I can make a turn-around soon because the darkness is trying to creep back in and I don't want to let it... things have been so good... I have managed to maintain an even keel for months now and I really thought I had made it that way; that somehow after all this time, I had gained some control over the darkness.

I tell myself maybe it's just the weather... it's getting so cold. Maybe it's the coming holidays...another thanksgiving/birthday/christmas ALONE... that'll bring the depression crashing back in. Maybe it's the mounting stress at work... lets take our busiest time ever and add some major system revisions during year-end, that's a great way to go about it. Maybe I'm finally in love, finally found someone I want to spend time with and I can't have him...

Eh, whatever... I'll just crank up the tunes and get back to work... all this crap in my head will sort itself out eventually. In the meantime, I need to get busy acting like nothing is wrong... not that anybody at all would notice if something was wrong.

Haunted House

I am about to share (with my 5 or 6 annonymous readers) the weirdest dream ever. Because it makes so little sense that I can't share it with anyone in real life, but it has stayed with me all day, casting an ominous shadow over everything I see.

Let me first say that I am an amateur ghost hunter. I go creepy places... at night... on purpose... searching out things that go bump in the night. I use several different divination techniques and have had several experiences that would make your hair stand on end--but I go looking for these things because I am utterly fascinated. This stuff doesn't bother me. Normally.

My dream found me in a house I had never seen before with my children in tow (they never accompany me on my haunted excursions). Some dude was buying the place and I was trying to get him not to. It was haunted, but not with the kind of ghosties I generally care to commune with. The place had a history of no owner ever staying longer than 47 days. (funny... that's exactly how many days away my birthday is... anxiety over being another year older, much?) Suddenly, it was dark and things started happening. There was a little girl with dark hair (think The Ring... I know, my dream is so cliche at this point, but I didn't consciously make this crap up) and she was frightened, there were toys that spontaneously came to life in a murderous rage (okay, how many horror movies is my subconscious borrowing from here?) and just as the last knife came flying at me from out of nowhere, I woke up. 3 AM, I'm shaking in my bed. What in the world? Such a stupid dream, right?

I didn't feel alone in the room. I had that feeling you had back when you were six and thought that if you put your foot on the floor, some demonic creature was going to reach out from under the bed and grab your ankle. Actually, for me, it was always a fear that the demonic creature was weilding a scalpel that it would use to slash my achilles tendon.  Yeah... I turned on netflix and went back to sleep. It wasn't easy, but I was rewarded with a nice little Batman dream... (sigh) that man...

Focus, Dearheart...

My relationship with Batman started with my assumption that we were both free and clear... just two lonely people who had somehow found each other in the unlikliest of places. He was doing something highly out of character for him in even being on that site and I was doing something highly out of character for me in actually meeting anyone from there. I felt as though I had been swept off my feet... and my head was in the clouds for weeks, floating around in all the dreams I dared not dream before. And to a point, it was all too good to be true--he wasn't free and clear.

Since I found out what the actual situation was, I have undergone a serious reality check. My head is no longer in the clouds. I never once considered ending my relationship with him, but I did immediately begin orienting myself to the truth. I had to tell myself over and over what this really is. I had to prepare myself for the worst. I could not allow myself to dream the impossible anymore. Sure, I don't control those interesting things that happen when I'm sleeping... those beautiful movies that play in my mind starring him and me... but I can sure as hell stop myself from daydreaming. And I have. But what I've done is train myself to think of this as my having an affair with a married man. That carries with it an immense amount of guilt... and certain ways of behaving that are unlike the type of relationship I want. Don't simply pick up the phone and call, that would be bad. Don't plant a gigantic hickey on him, that would be bad. Blah, blah, blah.... he didn't set all of these rules, I have imposed them on myself.

Now I have to re-orient my mindset once again. While I brace myself for the day I find out that it's once again all a lie, I need to think of this as a normal relationship with a man who's job is overly demanding. Soon enough, he's going to be gone and our relationship will change yet again... we plan to carry on long distance and I'm ready for that, even though I'm really not looking forward to it. At all. So we met each other at an inconvenient time. All that means is we can't rush into anything that we shouldn't... and that is refreshing.

What the hell... I've never had a "normal" relationship anyway. Why the hell should I think I could ever have one?

All Quiet in the Batcave

Batman met my children yesterday. Big step, boys and girls, big huge step...

My kids have been through it because of my messed up love life. They've developed abandonment issues and whatnot and I have been very careful in the past few years to sheild them from whatever turbulence may occur in my romantic life. Aside from all of that, I never wanted to be that single mother with an endless parade of men traipsing through my children's lives. I have dated (albeit conservatively), but someone has to be pretty special to remain in my life long enough to meet my kids... besides, I was a bit concerned because I knew that my children were going to love Batman as much as I do... how could they not? He's amazing.

And guess what? They love him... even my son opened up with him and he doesn't do that. My son is pretty reserved and very protective of me--it didn't take long at all for him to be completely at ease with Batman. As a matter of fact, once he had left, my little boy told me that I should marry him. Adorable. I, of course, just smiled and changed the subject. Skylanders is always a great distraction with my ten year old man of the house. My kids, of course, do not know that Batman is already married... nor do they know what incredible complications exist in this relationship... but my heart is set on him.

We acheived lable status yesterday... I officially have a boyfriend. I had no idea how that was going to affect me... I almost couldn't breathe. That was what I wanted with all my heart... I wanted to be something to him... I want to be more someday... but after being nothing to anyone for so long, it was a very heavy thing for me to think of that all of a sudden, I belong to someone. The road ahead is full of known dangers along with all of those we can't possibly know... but I'm ready to face it all. I'm his <3

Say What You Will...

I am up and down and all over the place about this thing I have going on with Batman... what I do know is that whenever I'm with him, I know... I know that he's all I want, all I need, all I could ever hope for. The only doubt I have comes from the turbulence of his work schedule and the initial deception about his marital status. Logically, I can explain these things to myself... but that doesn't stop my mind from coming up with all sorts of cracked scenarios in which I am being taken for what could be a very damaging ride.

I did see him yesterday. He did not cancel. Even though he was noticably very, very tired from work... and had to be up very early this morning... he made the time to come and see me. And he wouldn't sleep with me... I tried, I could tell he wanted to, but he was stubborn (which I have to admit was *very* sexy) and told me that he wanted to make sure I didn't think I was a booty call (because I had told him that I was thinking that was the case... a while back). So we lay together in my bed, kissing (I can't stop kissing that man... I could kiss him forever) and talking and just being close to one another. Some things were said... some things were clarified... and in the end all I have to say about it is that I can't get enough of him.

A very good friend of mine, one2bchallngd, is absolutely pissed at me. I had planned on saying some things if he came by... I had planned on putting my foot down on some things and was ready for him to walk away. I shared all of this with her and she was very supportive... when it was all said and done and I told her what happened, she thought me a weak-ass, I'm sure. Actually, to be honest, I don't think she can handle the side of me that he brings out... I'm all love-struck and dreamy-eyed and I think that's probably very annoying to her... as much as she may like to see me happy, she thinks I'm being deceived and worse, I'm encouraging it. That may be the case... and I value her opinion, but I'm sure she would agree that I have to do what I feel is right. And if this thing that I dream of is ever to be a possibility, I have to give it all I've got.

A former FB of mine texted me last night, asking how things were with Batman... and I told him what went down--that we had spent some time together and the man refused to get naked with me... his response was sort of comical... that my dear Batman was a butt head. (I am still giggling over that) I just told him the truth... that I thought it was sweet. Because I do think it's sweet. And after all--what I think about it is the only thing that matters ;)

He is going to leave his wife. That has nothing what-so-ever to do with me. We make each other happy... in time, if that continues, it may eventually translate out to something that only exists in dreams and fairy tales for me. For the moment, I am content in what we have. As for the future, I'm going to give this thing everything I've got and know that in the end, all will be as it should be--whether that means I get my prince charming or not...

I absolutely cannot wait to see him again...

Silence

His silence is deafening... and really, the silence tells me all I need to know...

I am supposed to see Batman today. But really, I'm a little gun-shy about getting excited because of all the times he's cancelled on me in the past. We never have been in constant contact and it isn't unusual to go a day or two without texting or a week or three without seeing one another... I get to where I think that the whole thing has been in my head. I didn't even clean my house... I just couldn't muster the energy to do anything at all last night after trick-or-treating with my kids... it isn't disgusting or anything, but I haven't done any of the stuff I would normally do before having company... sweep the floor, scrub the toilet, get the spots off the mirrors, etc... because it's so depressing to do all of those things when I can't let myself get excited because I am 80% sure he'll cancel.

I really wanted to see him today... not just because I love spending time with him, but because I had some things I really wanted to talk to him about... Actually, I hadn't decided if I was actually going to say anything or just enjoy the little slice of him that I can get... because really, there's no point in continuing on with the charade that I mean anything to him. I can't even pretend that to myself anymore.

Generally, by now I would have texted to ask if we're still on... but I don't want to... If he cancels on me, it'll ruin my whole day. Besides, I have a serious need to know if he will forget all about me if I don't say anything at all. So I'll go on about my business (as I shove a million calories down my throat... I just can't stop eating) and go home and prepare and see if I get stood up... I had hoped he would text at some point to say one way or the other, but as the hours go by, I have less and less of that hope. And now I'm starting to wonder if maybe he deleted my number out of his phone... either to appease his wife or to stop sending me messages meant for her or possibly the other way around (we have the same name... it's either really convenient or really inconvenient for him...I can't tell).

So here I sit... trying to stay busy and keep my mind occupied... and hating myself for that last bag of vending machine cookies... and thanking the Goddess I don't have any change left... and hoping against all hope that I am not forgotten today because that would just KILL me.

What made you think that was okay?

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Rejection Fiesta

I hate dating. I don't want to do it any more. Problem is, I have to wade through all of the pain and annoyance to get to where I really want to be... As much as I hate dating, being a single mother is also taking its toll on me and if I can change that--without settling--I aim to.

My heart is all tied up in a man I can't have. That's all well and good for now... but I know I'm eventually going to have to accept the truth and move right back out into the rejection fiesta that is dating. I worry though... that I'll just keep making the same mistakes over and over again. The only thing that helps me sleep at night is that when it's right... when it is meant to be... when it is everything I've been searching for... no one thing can be said or done that can't be overcome. Eventually, everything will fall into place and be what it should be.

And here I am ... waiting again.

Sometimes They Come Back

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The Sweet Green Grass

My MM told me an interesting story the last time we were in bed together... about horses craning their necks through the fence, causing themselves pain to get to that sweet grass on the other side...

Had I not been in such a state of euphoria, I would have understood what he was trying to tell me... Worse? Had he been in the state I was in, he wouldn't have been saying such things.

I am better than the grass on the other side of the fence.

Day 50

I find myself slipping away. My involvement with a married man has changed me yet again... and I know without a doubt that this is simply history repeating itself.

When all of this began, I told him about my issues... I told him how I felt about married men masquerading as singles... how I had become involved in such situations time and time again... how I had become rather adept at making friends with the wife and helping her... how vindictive I could be... having once poured glitter in a man's pants when he was out of the room... (that's a good one... but I'm so not that girl anymore) He knew all of this about me going in and the whole time he listened to me run my mouth, he knew what he was doing to me.

He says that it's over with his wife... that it's been over. I don't have any delusions that I was any sort of catalyst or that I mean anything at all. I know that if he actually does leave her, it has nothing to do with me... and that's the only reason I'm able to stick around. I will not be the cause of anything negative for her (other than the fact that I'm doing incredibly intimate things with her husband... and he's telling me he loves me... that is HER husband... I have no right to have any of those things from him) He says a lot of things... he says he told her about me, but he can't spend more than a couple of hours with me and can't seem to find the time to be seen in public with me... he says that he wants to come home to me, that he wants to take care of me, that he wants to know me... but I am not seeing any evidence to back up any of these claims. All I am seeing is evidence that he is lying. And that kills me, but I can't stick around for that.

I have been incredibly patient... rearranging my schedule, leaving work early, dropping the kids off at babysitters, even planning a meal that I wound up never cooking... only to have him cancel on me over and over... until eventually, the plans have become incredibly vague. The latest: "I'll come see you this week, babe <3"

I'm sorry... but I am worth more than that.

I know what it looks like. He doesn't care about me. I'm just a fun little "delightful chaos" to boost his ego or make him feel like more of a man. Worse... maybe I'm even some twisted sort of revenge for all the infidelity that his wife was supposedly guilty of. Whatever I am to him, I know that I deserve more. I want to tell him all of that. I know it seems pointless, but I just want to tell him that if he really missed me, if he really wanted me, he'd make an effort to show it. And yes... I'm prepared to be told that he can't. I'm prepared for him to walk away. As a matter of fact, I would be very surprised if he didn't.

1-19 of 19 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Day 81, posted November 29th, 2012
Holidays, posted November 18th, 2012
Day 68, posted November 16th, 2012
Restless, posted November 12th, 2012
A Night In, posted November 10th, 2012
Back to Good, posted November 9th, 2012
Mine, posted November 9th, 2012
Judgement, posted November 8th, 2012
Lonely or just alone?, posted November 8th, 2012
So not feeling it today..., posted November 7th, 2012
Haunted House, posted November 6th, 2012
Focus, Dearheart..., posted November 6th, 2012
All Quiet in the Batcave, posted November 5th, 2012
Say What You Will..., posted November 2nd, 2012
Silence, posted November 1st, 2012
What made you think that was okay?, posted October 31st, 2012
Rejection Fiesta, posted October 30th, 2012
Sometimes They Come Back, posted October 30th, 2012
The Sweet Green Grass, posted October 29th, 2012
Day 50, posted October 29th, 2012
Breaking it down, posted October 27th, 2012
Day 47, posted October 26th, 2012

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