Focus, Dearheart... | fyreyvixxxen's Blog

My relationship with Batman started with my assumption that we were both free and clear... just two lonely people who had somehow found each other in the unlikliest of places. He was doing something highly out of character for him in even being on that site and I was doing something highly out of character for me in actually meeting anyone from there. I felt as though I had been swept off my feet... and my head was in the clouds for weeks, floating around in all the dreams I dared not dream before. And to a point, it was all too good to be true--he wasn't free and clear.

Since I found out what the actual situation was, I have undergone a serious reality check. My head is no longer in the clouds. I never once considered ending my relationship with him, but I did immediately begin orienting myself to the truth. I had to tell myself over and over what this really is. I had to prepare myself for the worst. I could not allow myself to dream the impossible anymore. Sure, I don't control those interesting things that happen when I'm sleeping... those beautiful movies that play in my mind starring him and me... but I can sure as hell stop myself from daydreaming. And I have. But what I've done is train myself to think of this as my having an affair with a married man. That carries with it an immense amount of guilt... and certain ways of behaving that are unlike the type of relationship I want. Don't simply pick up the phone and call, that would be bad. Don't plant a gigantic hickey on him, that would be bad. Blah, blah, blah.... he didn't set all of these rules, I have imposed them on myself.

Now I have to re-orient my mindset once again. While I brace myself for the day I find out that it's once again all a lie, I need to think of this as a normal relationship with a man who's job is overly demanding. Soon enough, he's going to be gone and our relationship will change yet again... we plan to carry on long distance and I'm ready for that, even though I'm really not looking forward to it. At all. So we met each other at an inconvenient time. All that means is we can't rush into anything that we shouldn't... and that is refreshing.

What the hell... I've never had a "normal" relationship anyway. Why the hell should I think I could ever have one?