Restless | fyreyvixxxen's Blog

I'm getting a little restless... My imagination has way too much time to take over. I take responsibility for some of that--I do have an overactive imagination. But the truth in his actions is just too hard to ignore when there is no communication.

I love Batman. I don't think he comprehends the depth of my feeling... maybe that's because I have been very strict on myself, trying not to go overboard telling him because I do tend to put too much of myself out there and I don't want to be that person. Maybe he doesn't get it because he doesn't feel it. Maybe he gets it... but either doesn't care or doesn't want to hurt me because he doesn't feel the same. None of those sits well with me... and is too much for my mind to munch on.

He's on my mind when I wake, remains on my mind all day... my last thought before drifting off to sleep. I dream of him... I would call it obsession, but I am able to function while I'm secretly mulling over various details and I'm pretty good at leaving him alone while I sit over here on the verge of tears, making connections between things he's said and what I later found out to be the truth... as I realize that the "one lie" was really a string of lies... that I whole-heartedly bought... that I wanted so desperately to believe even when it all came crashing down around my feet.

And as much as I want to have it, I have no trust. I want to believe everything... but there has been absolutely no proof... and after the big lie, all of the plans and promises just feel like vapor...

If nothing else, I've learned some very valuable lessons here... my heart is not to be trusted. I'm still his.. I'm not making any moves whatsoever... I'm stuck in place... unable to move... but soon enough, he'll hurt me bad enough that I'll have to walk away...