Day 81 | fyreyvixxxen's Blog

Things are... normal. My daughter is the biggest pain in the butt in the world... I suppose this is my punishment for having been a girl-child myself at one point. And I miss Batman... I haven't seen him for what feels like forever... because I was sick the last time he could have come by and that was a couple weeks ago. I don't think he realizes the incredible amount of time I spend wishing things were different.... woud he think me pathetic? This can't be healthy... all of this fantasizing I do...

Meanwhile, what's been on my mind most lately is the fact that I'm not getting any younger... I'm not getting any prettier... I'm not getting any sweeter (the sweetness seems to disappear a little more each time my heart is broken)... I'm not getting any more able to trust... and I'm spending my time dreaming about a man who can't possibly ever give me what I ultimately desire. I have rationalized that it is him I want... more than I want to someday be someone's wife. After all, I would much rather never be married again than be married to the wrong man. Still... I wonder if this will ever go that direction. It doesn't have to be guaranteed at this point, but I can't shake the thought that he knows for sure it never will...

I can't imagine why he would keep me around if it wasn't possible... after all, I see him an average of once or twice a month... it isn't as though he's getting an incredible amount of sex out of this deal. And he's amazingly hot... he could have just about any woman at any time, I'm sure.  The thought crossed my mind that I'm filling some sort of need for him. I don't like to think such horrible things about him... I still adore him and believe that he is a genuinely good person... but I wonder sometimes if he's just using me. How ridiculous is that? The fact remains that with what little bit of time I've known him and how little time we've actually spent together, I really don't know him well enough to hang all of these hopes and dreams on him. Still... here I am... hoping that this could be my chance... because I really can't imagine someone any more perfect for me... I'm idealizing him, rationally I know that... but my heart is not rational...

My best friend told me that she was going to visit next summer, so I told her I would save my vacation so we could have some fun. Her response was, "Yeah right. You're going to be flying off to DC" (that's where my Batman is moving to... at some unknown point in the near future) and I told her truthfully that as much as I would like to think that possible, as much as I dream about my relationship with Batman continuing on, in the back of my mind I know that he's going to leave me behind. After all, he lives semi-close now and I rarely get to spend time with him... how can it work with him 1000 miles away?

I still want this. I'm still in it. I see evidence that he cares (he *called* me... he doesn't do that... and my heart raced) and that is enough for now. I guess I just need to concentrate on everything else right now... there's plenty else to concentrate on, it's just that none of it is as nice to think about.

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Previous Posts
Day 81, posted November 29th, 2012
Holidays, posted November 18th, 2012
Day 68, posted November 16th, 2012
Restless, posted November 12th, 2012
A Night In, posted November 10th, 2012
Back to Good, posted November 9th, 2012
Mine, posted November 9th, 2012
Judgement, posted November 8th, 2012
Lonely or just alone?, posted November 8th, 2012
So not feeling it today..., posted November 7th, 2012
Haunted House, posted November 6th, 2012
Focus, Dearheart..., posted November 6th, 2012
All Quiet in the Batcave, posted November 5th, 2012
Say What You Will..., posted November 2nd, 2012
Silence, posted November 1st, 2012
What made you think that was okay?, posted October 31st, 2012
Rejection Fiesta, posted October 30th, 2012
Sometimes They Come Back, posted October 30th, 2012
The Sweet Green Grass, posted October 29th, 2012
Day 50, posted October 29th, 2012
Breaking it down, posted October 27th, 2012
Day 47, posted October 26th, 2012

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